Wow! Simply wow! That’s really all my brain is capable of saying at this point. You all are simply amazing. Your support, your love, your prayers, your thoughts, your actions – all overwhelmingly amazing. Yes, I know my nerdy English teacher self should have more accurate adjectives to describe my feelings at this point, but you all simply astound me.
Today was a MUCH needed rainbow in the midst of our storm. The last week has been one thing after another, and yesterday was our breaking point- both mine and C’s. We had simply had enough. Our therapists tell us that our “psyches are done protecting us, and think we can handle the acceptance of our reality.” Well, let me tell you something psyche- we could have used some forewarning! The reality has set in that our lives are changed forever, and this week that just seemed like too much to bear. I crashed up against my breaking point NUMEROUS times in the last week, and while I don’t always share in the moment with you all, I do try to be as honest as possible. To say that the “what if” and the “why” questions haven’t been in my mind lately would be a lie. And yet I continued to pray. Yesterday, as I stood in the bathroom of the gym, crying because I simply was done in that moment, I prayed for some kind of rainbow, some reminder that this is my calling. That justice will be served, and that eventually this feeling of being robbed will diminish, if only by a little. I prayed to make this a little more bearable. I prayed for reminders of my own strength. But most of all, I prayed that God would continue to surround me with support.
As Wednesday progressed, I began to feel better. I regained my focus on the acts of kindness, and began organizing more. And then, as I stood in line at Starbucks, working on another act in planning, I received a call from the Defense Attorney’s office. At first, I’m sure I sounded scared. A call from them always frightens me because I rarely know what to expect. But, they delivered potentially good news. They were going to bring the case back before the grand jury to try to up the charge to murder. While this essentially still means the same potential amount of years for sentencing, it does however mean that there is a safety net involved. The process is complicated, and I won’t take the time to fully explain it; however, please know this is a WONDERFUL THING! I was so excited in Starbucks, that I’m sure a few, well probably more than a few, people thought I might have lost my mind.
I went home, and I prayed some more. I prayed that somehow this would help erase some of my feelings of being robbed. In my mind a murder charge is fitting for the crime committed- whether intentional in nature or not. The end result was death. And, I didn’t sleep much, so I just kept praying. I felt that this rainbow was much needed right now!
Today we received a phone call that the grand jury ruled there was enough evidence for a murder charge. And, I had to wait awhile before I could officially share with all of you. But, let me say, when I did share, I was overwhelmed with support. You all rock! Thank you for being a vivid part of our rainbow! Watching as our support system grows of course helps me, but the wonderful part of the support system growing is the awareness we are raising. How we are standing together as a community, and how together we are attempting to turn a negative into a positive. Tonight, I as Facebook notifications, text messages, and phone calls were pouring in, I took a moment to re-read my first blog post after J’s death. And a paragraph struck me. This week I have thought on more than one occasion how I might seriously be losing my mind by creating Pink Behind The Thin Blue Line, and putting myself out in the public more. I thought that maybe this really wasn’t my calling. Maybe, I should just grieve silently. And then, as I was reading the post through a FEW blessings of interruptions J, this paragraph spoke to me:
“ We prayed some more, and we realized that if we don’t fight the battle who will? Giving in because the sacrifice was ‘too difficult’ or ‘too time consuming,’ simply wasn’t an option. By giving in, we were letting them win. And that simply wasn’t acceptable in our minds. So the next day, I ironed his uniforms, he put on his vest, I kissed him goodbye and told him to be safe. He responded with ‘always.’ And from that day forward, we never doubted his calling or level of sacrifice we had to make in order to ensure he continued his calling. Being an officer was in his blood, and even though I didn’t know it for quite some time, it was in mine as well.”
Well, talk about rainbows! Tonight, I am thankful for answered prayers for rainbows! Tonight, I’m thankful for a team of attorneys who fight for J like he is their blood. I am thankful for friends, family, and complete strangers who are like my family. I’m thankful for God putting the right words in their minds. I’m thankful for affirmation of my calling- once more. I’m thankful for each person who recognizes me in public, even though sometimes that can become overwhelming, and who tell me that they are so proud I’m still fighting. I’m thankful for reminders of J’s brothers in blue. I’m also thankful for the news of getting to witness one of our special brothers in blue get married and start a family! Tonight, even though often times I feel like a victim- tonight, even if it is only for a little while, tonight I’m in control. And you all have played such a LARGE role in that. Tonight, I am thankful for being called to be an officer’s wife. Few people can do it, and even less answer their call, but those of us who do, are strong women. We are women who look evil the face, and we stand on our own two feet. But, thankfully, I do NOT stand alone! So, thank you for allowing me to view this rainbow tonight, for YOU are the ones that are holding this rainbow up.
“Every blessing you pour down I’ll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, ‘blessed be the name of the Lord.’”